Ironic
by Bafe
Summary: Mandarin never thought much about women, nor did he ever come close to liking them...at first. [Mandarin x Valina, Rated T to be safe.]


May I please have your attention for a few moments?

Otay. For starter's this a very WEIRD story, with a very WEIRD pairing...what pairing, may you ask? Well, it's...Mandarin and Valina.

Yeah. Mandarin and Valina. Now that you know this, you can do either of these two things: Don't read this at all, or Flame. Of course, I wouldn't recommend the flaming, seeing as I could probably report you for whatever brash and demeaning insults you have up your sleeve; and it's not very nice in the first place. Please, if you're going to review this story, be polite.

In addition, this fanfic may be a bit OOC and confusing...so brace yourself, bold readers. It took me a long time to write this fanfic, really...about a week, I believe (Writer's block played only half a part in it...). This was because my ideas for this "short" story kept changing throughout this time, and in consequence may make this story's events disjointed. It also made the characters disjointed themselves.

AND...uh...that's all I needed to warn you of, I think. Take note of the settings of this one shot before you embark on my writing...by the way, to those people who frequent the "Monkey See, Monkey Fu!" forum...this is Huzzah!

Title: Ironic

Rating: T for Teen

Summary: Mandarin never thought much about women, nor did he ever come close to liking them...Mandarin x Valina, Rated T to be safe.

Settings: Surrounds the Night of Fear episode, though it is a day later after Valina entraps Mandarin in the pendant. Seeing as we don't know exactly how long they were in there for sure and for certain, I kinda took advantage of that missing time strip...whether it make me look a fool, or just a fool.

* * *

Mandarin never thought much about women, regarding the entire gender as if it were an amusing universal joke. Their divine beauty was merely a façade to conceal their many flaws, and although their masks were pleasing, the real pleasure came to him from their multiple weaknesses. For one, women had no physical prowess whatsoever; their strength ranging from a fly to a wheat stalk. In addition, women were annoyingly moronic. They cried over the tiniest of molehills, cowered when a threat arose, questioned every answer to a question, thought there was a complex meaning to the simplest of things, and possessed laugh worthy naiveté. For him, they were inept little things who in all were worth nothing in this world…his world. 

At his kindest, he would simply ignore their presence, associating with them as one would a wall. At his cruelest, he would do almost anything to rupture their contentment, making them screech and writhe as to make him smile once in while. Women were the first to bleed, and the first to die. They were cheap thrills to sate his boredom, which luckily for the fair sex did not occur often in Mandarin's world.

No one could ever cripple Mandarin…completely. No one could ever cripple him, especially women. In his opinion, he was too fast, too smart, and far better than they were.

This was his belief…until she intruded onto his world.

She, like so many others of her kind, came in with pretentious gusto…as if nothing could stand in her way for long, or at all.

She would strut into a room with confidence and might, bony shoulders squared behind her back as to heft her chest up in pride. Her body slinked from step to step, each movement convinced in power.

He believed he knew better of her, however. Like so many others of her kind, she was clinging onto a dream far beyond her grasp, and the wish she held so preciously in her chest was but a shallow one. In the end, he figured while she kept her hopes pinned in her heart, he knew, because of her pathetic emotions, she would meet her downfall within due time.

Truth was, at first he did not know what she wanted, and at the time he didn't care much. He knew enough, from her demeanor and dress, that she probably was a wannabe wife of the Skeleton King.

He had to hand it to her- she certainly looked the part. Her skin was pallid as bone and her body long and slim...she radiated the cold ruthlessness that emitted off the Skeleton King in all of his full-bodied glory, though she was hardly menacing. She was a woman, after all.

A woman who, albeit possessing silly fantasies of her dear King, was a magician…and she was not the kiddy kind, either. Thanks to her obsessing of old King Cole, she could conceive anything with the twist of her fingers. Torturing others were her specialty, her preference ranging from toying with raw minds to unleashing lucid nightmares, in any way thought impossible and unthinkable

Yet, even the tiniest of reprimands carried with them a sting undefined. He felt that feeling before- that horrid sensation which ate at his body, like piranhas diving upon new meat…he felt that shock, the numbing agony and the hollow helplessness that tore at him whenever she sent upon him that pink flame.

After his punishments, after the pain would ebb, he would continue to remind himself she was just a woman…even if he knew better.

Denial was a bittersweet feeling for his gut. Nothing tasted sweeter than to pretend that he held no fear of the sorceress, although he knew that even the slightest twitch of her fingernail could send him to a dismal place.

Time to time however, he knew of his immortality. He had died so many times, yet some sort of life of him would always remain. Although he owed his undying trait to his Master, the Skeleton King, he disliked to admit his entire existence rested on the reliance of the fallen villain. The credence, in Mandarin's mind; was to Mandarin, supported with the reason that he had the will to survive…unlike his master, who in the orange monkey's opinion was suicidal enough to join bodies with the Dark Worm.

This was the arrogance that led him from logic, and what made him act the way he did the day after that night.

That night, he had been at the mercy of Gothic Girl…and she spared none. That night, he somehow fell from torturing the Monkey Team to being tortured himself, trapped in the confines of a web she prepared for him. He had squirmed, unease starting to swell from within his mind.

Despite his cockiness, fear always seemed to get to him easily. The very emotion was addictive for the monkey, and no matter how much he could push it down, it would arise within him again, like a log in water.

His worry increased when he saw her. She materialized out from the abyss, her slim figure floating to him in ease. She did not need to walk; she could just levitate whenever the fancy struck.

She came to a stop right in front of him, the tattered ends of her dress floating serenely. Her body remained ever ramrod straight, her face, ever smug.

"Well well…look who's awake…"

His body worn, he hung limply from the threads of the web. His muscles were torn, and exhaustion lied in each fiber of his body. Pain strung from one body part to another, though seeing as time passed since his last ordeal, his afflictions were now raw sensations. Not all of his agonies faded, however. Behind his eyes lasted the memory of his nightmares, all of which he was forced to live and relive in the hands of this certain witch. At her voice, his head snapped back up, and nothing; not even his anxiety or agony, would stop him. "Did you have a nice night, Mandy?" Her pink eyes twinkled merrily at him, mocking.

"I slept…fine…just…peachy." Well, he might have been exhausted from the last evening, but there was no way, no how was he going to stay silent. 'Do as you wish witch…but nothing you do can keep me nice and quiet.'

"So I suppose…you had pleasant dreams then?" she hissed.

"…Dreams?" He inquired, accepting the stupid game of hers. As to why he was wasting time in order to banter with the sorcerer less well, even he did not know. According to common sense, he and she should both be out of the pendant by now, disrupting the Hyperforce and Shuggazoom… "I have no idea what you are taking about, Valina."

"Oh, you don't?" Copycatting his ignoramus attitude, he watched in budding anger as the hated truths began to file out of her lips, one by one carrying a sting of spite. "…Funny. I thought I heard someone crying into the early morning hours, his chest heaving out sobs…very peculiar. I do not know who else it could have came from…but you…because I certainly was not in pain, or in fear. I certainly did not have horrors infest my brain one at a time, reducing me to a babbling baby…nor did I beg someone named Valina to stop turning my worst fears onto me. So…if it wasn't me…" Her eyes took on a slick sheen, half lidded with the pleasure of his losing battle. "…who else could it be?"

Hate seemed to spike within him at her sneering tone, desiring to break from his bindings to show the little shrew what his claws could do to her pretty face. His eyebrows turned inward, the eyes underneath them burning. "I guess…it could be nobody." She chuckled, looking more delighted than he wanted her to be. "...Nobody? Oh, but it must've been someone…" Dread told him to stop before he said anything more, but his hurt pride and savagery retaliated the feeling. He was not about to let her have any pleasure from the night's events last, not for another second…

"No. It was nobody. It was nobody but you… thinking I was doing all those things, Valina." He watched her as she looked at him, her eyes piercing yet bemused. He waited for her say something, but she did not. Apparently, she thought that her glare would intimidate him not to say anything more, but whoop-dee-do-da. He was going to say whatever he want, and he would make sure she heard every word of it.

"…Women like you…or, should I say women in general…they like to think that they have power. They love to believe that, in spite of what they truly are, that they could make a male crumble onto their knees in total and utter fear before them…but that dream is just another dream in their many collections of fantasies. I have no doubt that is the single most popular reverie playing in your head, asides from marrying the Skeleton King, of course. You like to think that you have power. You love to believe that, in spite of what you truly are, that you could make everyone fall in total and utter death…but beyond your little fantasies, you are what every woman is. You are a shrew; a nagging little shrew with no strengths, but aplenty of weaknesses, all of which pertain to your uncontrollable emotions…it is rather funny to see how gullible your sex can be, how easily your heart can fall, or be broken; by another. You, like the rest of your gender, are nothing more than weaklings- and your role is not in power, as you'd like to think. You were custom built to serve men, the dominant sex. Your entire existence revolves around our gender, and you know it…" Throughout little speech of his, he could not help but feel as if he was growing stronger, figuratively beginning to shadow Valina instead of the other way around. A grin exposed his sharp teeth as he spoke, and confidence welled in his chest as he continued. "...you also know that I was not affected by what you did last night. You know that your parlor tricks had no power over me as I slept, and so you resorted to another stereotypical dream- you fantasized that I was harmed at your wrath, dreamed about it as you slept, pathetically reaching for a wish for a male, any male, to suffer under your supposed power. However, like all the others…you are nobody. You are nothing meaning to this world, and you will never measure up to the notoriety the Skeleton King left behind. Why? Because you are what you are…a woman."

Not one pin drop could be heard in their surroundings, the silence between the two growing thicker the more they stared at each other. He was amazed at the lack of expression in her face…overall, there was nothing but the bemused smile. That annoying, arrogant smile that she wore when she thought she was victorious…still remained plastered on her visage, not changing in the slightest its' slight curvature from the beginning of his own personal ridicule.

"A woman, am I?"

Mandarin winced when he saw the spark of light snap in her eyes, as if thunder struck. Anger was…now becoming very apparent from her, though had he not been paying close attention, that abrupt moment may have not happened and he would not even know it existed. She was hiding her emotions very well behind that smirking façade of hers, something he did not expect from the woman, or any woman. 'A bit fascinating,' he thought, as he'd never given a woman credit to be duplicitous as he was so often….

She stepped up to him, and suddenly he knew how dangerously the distance closed between the two. Dread now was telling him 'I told you not to say what you did' while his pride and savagery began to shake as she towered over him.

At the oddest moment in the oddest time, he took notice in her…smell…the rancid stench of lavender, too strong for the most adept nose- began to creep in his senses. Although dead, he could already feel a headache starting to swell in his brain, and the memory of that smell beginning to sit itself in it as well.

"Oh, my dear Mandarin…"

Her face bobbed in front of his, and he oftentimes had the displeasure of looking at it. Valina had positioned him just where their heads could meet, near the top of the web that she entrapped him in…. Nevertheless, he glared back at her, unwilling to let her have the pleasure in seeing him turn away in fear of what she would do. Defiant, his beady eyes took in her face, though feeling her breath on him was more than enough to make the monkey squirm in discomfort. Suddenly, her hand placed itself on his cheek…her fingers like slabs of ice against his skin, and her nails looked prepared to pierce his ravaged face. It was, indeed, a charming sight of a hand.

At her touching him, however, he felt the need to get away…and fast. Millions of images flew in his head, and … none of them was either particularly pleasant or satisfactory.

"…you are such a stupid, stupid monkey…"

He gasped at the sudden chill that enveloped him, as if he were the target of a foe some blizzard… and with the cold, came alarm.

She was working a spell on him; he could feel it. No one else could send his or her filthy magic through his veins at a torturously slow pace, like poison eating through him, nor could anyone else send trepidation to rise so quickly within him…

His logic became blurred as the panic devoured his senses. One thought told him to hit her and make a run for it- to head for nowhere, into nothingness, anywhere but here-hell, being in death's clutches, in the grasp of uncertainty and darkness; was more preferable than in Valina's…

Contemplation came into existence. It numbed him with its' cold comfort, sending a wave of total serenity over his dead heart. A voice spoke to him, its' tones motherly yet cautious- 'It's alright, Mandarin. Do not fear for what she'll do to you...'

'I do not fear of her!'

'Of course not, Mandarin.'

Her eyes met his, and as much as he hated their pink color, he could not tear himself away from her gaze. The irises in them kept him looking-he did not know why, really. Perhaps it was because he had always believed in the saying 'The eyes are the windows to one's soul', and oftentimes with an opponent; he thought breaking eye contact with them would be like sealing off their faults from his knowledge…

Alternatively, perhaps he liked looking into her eyes. He was a villain, so therefore; he breathed, ate, and practically drank from any sport of villainy, or any source. In addition, Valina's were…well…. They were detestable, indeed, but gazing into her dark and deviled soul was becoming a consuming hypnosis, just as consuming as the frozen sensation sweeping him into her spell.

"…and quite a suicidal one, too. Do you really want to die for the umpteenth time? Because if that is your wish…I can certainly grant it."

'Die? What does she mean by…die? I'm already dead.'

'I'm sure she means nothing by it, Mandarin. She's just trying to frighten you.' The voice penetrated his thoughts.

'Well, I already knew THAT.'

'Of course, Mandarin…I mean, she is a woman, after all. Not only that; but look at her face…' Again came the voice.

'I don't want to.'

'Why not?'

Why should he? He was perfectly content looking into her eyes, and did not feel exactly brave enough to take in the hideousness of a full frontal portrait.

'Just take a glance, Mandarin. You've seen her face before…what harm could it do?'

'Other then burning out my eyes…?'

'Just one glance, my boy. All you need is one.'

All right, he decided. Just one glance, Mandarin…yup, just take a glance and forget that Valina threatened you…that way you can sate that silly voice, and return to reality.

Returning to reality was going to be a more difficult task than the monkey anticipated.

The witch's beauty came to him as a surprise. Before, he did not seem to notice her vibrant porcelain skin- human skin was not at all an appealing sight, but suddenly…he imagined it being as smooth to the touch, yet unlike other humans, tough to penetrate. Nor did he ever take note the lines of her rosy lips, and, though however thin; appraised her otherworldly facial features. The small, crooked nose that he wanted to slice off her face before- just for a souvenir, had he ever conquered her- now seemed to grace her face in its presence. Then there was the matter of her hair, whose dark crimson strings he wanted to free from its bindings. It was hard to picture her with free flowing hair, yet…

'Please listen to me, Mandarin. She is a fair woman, is she not?'

'…'

'Well…what harm could be brought from a pretty face?'

Oh, what harm indeed. Mandarin himself almost lost himself in the contours of her visage, and so far, remained lost. In his normal state, he would stop at nothing to prevent himself from staying in this numbed state, fighting the supposed curse placed upon him with hardly any relent. Yet, even as he was lost in the supposed innocence of the hated witch, a part of him still fought somewhere within.

'A lot.'

'A lot of…what?'

'A lot of harm could come from a pretty face…especially Valina's.'

'Perhaps…'

'I mean, appearances can be deceiving, after all. With Valina, I do not know her much, but I know enough that she is not whom I like…'

'…But I think you do.'

'Yes, well…'

'Why else would you surrender to her so quickly?'

'I did not surrender to that woman…'

'Well, it seems to me you did…I mean, you were awful quick to indulge into thoughts about her…'

'Only because you told me to…'

'So why did you cooperate with me? If you truly did-'

'I told you, I didn't surrender! It is this spell! She has me under a spell!'

She did have him under a spell…he had felt it, he knew it had to be a spell! She made him think the thoughts- who mislead him into thinking he actually liked her…well, perhaps 'like' shouldn't be the word…perhaps the word 'mildly attracted' would do. Even so...he NEVER wanted to be even the slightest attracted to someone who tortured him only hours earlier, much less to a human! And all for what? So he would be a good, little obedient monkey, that is what!

Ah HA, he had it all figured out now!

'And you…you were a part of the curse! You were trying to mislead me too!'

'…Mandarin, you never were under a spell…'

'Of course I was! I knew…I just knew it had to be HER doing! Never in a lifetime would I regard that horrible, stupid WOMAN with even a smidgen of attraction!'

'…Denial is such a sweet feeling, is it not Mandarin? Funny how you are so accompanied to that one emotion…'

'SILENCE! I know all about you and your trickery so don't EVEN think you can persuade me back to your bed of lies!'

With the boom of his voice, the ice melted from within him. The numbness, the cold all of the symptoms of this bizarre hex soon began to fade. Now, when he blinked, he found himself. No longer was he lost in Valina's well thought out spell-or face, for that matter. Now, he was awake, yet as he came back to the reality of his predicament; he felt dread twist inside of him.

"Did you enjoy La La Land, Mandarin?"

At hearing her annoyed voice, hatred resumed its' growth. Animosity breathed further life into Mandarin's entrapped joints, and made his body aflame in its' unyielding strength. He hefted his body toward hers, (in spite of his bindings) as his fur flared and the look of a wild animal stretched his face into a lively snarl.

"Valina!"

She took a step back from him and released him from her touch, looking somewhat startled at his odd action. Annoyance held her, however, as she regained composure and looked at him with barely contained resent.

"My, my…aren't we feeling a little shouty today…"

Rage could hardly restrain itself for Mandarin, at this point. He thrashed around in his confines, his body funnily throwing itself and writhing from side to side; screaming madly in his tongue. "YOU BLASTED WITCH! I'LL GET YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO ME! I WILL…I will make you suffer for what you did! NO ONE toys with ME and lives to tell the tale, you filthy little FEMALE YOU!"

Her reaction was…that of a mixed bag. She did not outstretch her hand to unleash punishment in a flash of hatred, nor did she respond to Mandarin's infectious anger with that of her cold cruelty. Oddly enough, agitation lingered in her frown and eyes, yet bewilderment written in her features…

At least, confusion was once in them. Like the numbness and the cold that once imprisoned Mandarin in his thoughts, that state too began to fade. She was not about to ponder what just came over the monkey, or come up with an explanation for his behavior. She simply did not care enough to.

He stopped his maddened rampage at the sound of throaty laugh, loud and obnoxious, and whirled his eyes to it's' possessor. Where his eyes not simian borne, their irises would shrink to a slinky slit, as to bow to the feral ness crazing him.

"How…how dare you! How dare you LAUGH at ME!"

Despite his anger, that is all he found himself shrieking…rather than going onto another hate-filled rant. Instead, he pinned his eyes to the object of his rather short spirited lunacy- sizing up the hunched over woman, who now, was trying to suppress herself from falling to the floor in hilarity.

It took only a few minutes for her to stop those happy chuckles, yet it felt like eternity to Mandarin. It felt shorter than that to nurse his disdain for her, which in particular was easy to possess without any regret. The will, the utter desire to end the witch was becoming a top priority in his unbalanced head- the more she laughed, the more she mocked, and the more she toyed with him- the more he felt the need to act upon it…

Yet, as she recovered from her euphoric fit of giggles, the need to do so increased. As she approached him, that gleeful smile on her face unwavering, the wish to rip off that nose of hers became prominent in his brain.

He thought did not see her hand flying for his chin, but his face lurched forward toward the oncoming oppressor- his teeth bared and mouth wide as to inflict a rather serious bite.

Unfortunately, for the orange monkey, she had another hand coming; with little sparks of magic flying from its palm. Abruptly, he found himself with sealed lips and Valina once more in his face, one hand cupping his chin and the other clasped on his mouth.

Smiling down on him, she spoke to him softly, her words only serving to rouse his wrath. "You know…I never met someone such as you. I never met someone so idiotic, strange, nor amusing as you are, monkey…I like that in a henchman. Well, except for the idiotic bit, we will have to work on your intelligence, I will admit. Besides…you are rather cute when you are angry."

Her face bent down, her lips giving a brief peck on the bridge of his nose. "Now, you should be grateful I didn't decide to destroy you...and don't make me regret letting you live."

Then she left, leaving him with utter numbness and overwhelming cold.


End file.
